Ben-Hur (1959)

For a film as old and as famous as Ben-Hur, I was expecting fewer surprises.

It's as long as expected, but for the most part doesn't feel like it, because there's more plot than I thought; it's more subtle and even-handed, politically, than I thought it would be; and it's got a lot more Jesus than I expected, as he shows up periodically to give someone a drink or wander around on a hill in the background, always shot from the back so you can only see his magnificent hair.

He's always accompanied by an organ swell, too, just to make sure you know it's really Him.

Still, it meets as many expectations as it defies: it's as sumptuously produced and stiffly-performed as I anticipated from the most expensive film ever for 1959, and the "romance" plot is... well, very 1959. I can't understand how Charlton Heston was ever considered for a romantic lead; he looks like a cross between Peter Weller and Arnold Schwarzenegger, lecherously gazing out from under his eyebrows at a woman who until fifteen seconds ago was his property - it doesn't feel anything so much as creepy and uncomfortable.

The plot, for anyone who's been living under a similar rock to myself: Jewish nobleman Judah Ben-Hur has an angry difference of opinion with his newly-returned Roman friend Messala re: the chafing of his people under Roman rule. An accident involving some loose roof tiles and the newly-arrived Roman governor gives Messala an excuse to take a hard line with his former friend, thus setting a stern example for anyone considering open rebellion. He sends Ben-Hur off to row a galleon for the rest of his life, and considers things sorted out until Judah rocks up five years later with some chariot skills and an intention to avenge himself.

(When it does finally show up after the intermission, the chariot race is incredible, and that might be helped by the fact that you don't see any previous races. I only realised halfway through, too, that it's unaccompanied by score, soundtracked only by the thunderous pounding of the horses' hooves.)

But then, vengeance achieved, the thing limps on for another hour and a half, as Judah wanders back and forth between his house and the leper colony his mother and sister have ended up in, before ending with Jesus' crucifixion, which triggers a magical rainstorm that cures leprosy just in time for a happy ending.

Before I watched Ben-Hur, I couldn't help but wonder why on Earth anyone would try remaking it - this thing won 11 Oscars, for (A Tale of the) Christ's sake - but as I was watching it, I could actually start to understand the logic behind a remake. As long as it is, I frequently found myself wishing it had taken more time to show Ben-Hur's three years on the galleon, or his year-long offscreen rise to champion of the Roman Hippodrome, instead of just cutting to someone casually remarking how long it's been.

And yeah, the baggy ending could do with a serious trim.

But there's a reason this has endured, when I suspect the 2016 version will drop off the same cliff as the 2003 animated version, or the 2010 miniseries - this is the dictionary definition of an epic.